Preparing Elise for August 19

Tonight while putting Elise to bed I told her that Tessa's birthday is in two days.  I wanted to help prepare her for our emotions on that day, but I also just told her because it's normal for us to prepare her for things a few days in advance.

Her first question was, "Will she be there?"  She looked confused as she asked this, as she knows Tessa has died.  I said, "No, she won't be here on her birthday because she died when she was just a baby."  We went over the details again.  She kept saying, "Can you tell me more about what happened?"  I told her pretty much everything . . . how mommy and daddy decided they wanted to have a baby, how she grew big in my belly, how we didn't know if it was going to be a boy or girl, how she arrived on August 19, how happy we were that it was a girl, how we named her Tessa Bunny (which got some giggles), and how she started to get sick because a part of her brain didn't grow, how Tessa rode in an ambulance to a different hospital where they could take better care of her, and then that she died.

I explained to Elise that on Tessa's birthday, mommy and daddy might be sad because we miss Tessa so much and we wish she could be with us on her birthday (and every day).  I started to cry while explaining this to her and she got out from under her covers and enveloped me in her arms.  For a while we just sat there holding each other in this hug, and neither of us said a word.  It's a moment I will never forget.

Then I reminded Elise that her middle name is Tessa so she can always have a little piece of her sister with her.  We made a plan to look at pictures and talk more about Tessa on the 19th.   These conversations are becoming so special to me and each time we talk, I become less scared to broach these kinds of topics with Elise.

"I miss her."

About a month ago Elise and I were laying in her bed at night and she was playing with her stuffed animals (one of them she calls Daddy . . . he's a panda).  She said something about "Daddy (panda) had a brother who died."  I have no idea where she came up with this or why she said it, but I responded with, "Did you know you have a big sister, Tessa, who died?"

Elise just looked at me very thoughtfully and asked why she died.  I thought for a split second about what to say and then I decided the most truthful answer would be best.  "Tessa had a part of her brain that didn't grow and that made it very hard for her to stay alive.  You and Rosie have big, healthy brains."  She was quiet for a few moments.  Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

"I miss her.  I want her to come and live in this house with me and Rosie," Elise said. (These were her EXACT words.  I start a steady stream of tears at this point.  I mean, seriously?  Could there be any more loving response than this?)

"I miss her too.  But we can remember her by looking at pictures of her."

"I know!  We have a picture of her in Rosie's room."

I asked Elise if she would like a picture of Tessa in her room and she said, "Yes."  We talked about it a little bit longer, although I don't remember exactly what was said, and then it was over.

It turned out to be simple and so much less scary than I thought.  Of course, it stirred up all sorts of emotions for me.  I held it together fairly well until I got downstairs and told Mike about the conversation.  We both had a good cry and I felt a huge wave of relief.  It's like I had been holding this conversation inside for so long, worrying about what to say, when to say it, how Elise would respond, how I would respond.  And it just happened.  Naturally and perfectly.  Exhale.

Thanks to Joel and Jenn Corcoran for this picture