Counting Down the Days . . .

For the first half of this pregnancy I felt like a nervous wreck.  I wouldn't let myself get excited or attached.  I don't know what has changed, but for the last month or so, it seems like all of my fears have been pushed to the side and excitement has taken over.  I just CANNOT wait for this baby.  I'm excited about ALL of it . . . labor, pain, contractions, the emotions, the birth, sleepless nights, poopy diapers, but most importantly, the moment when I get to meet our newest little girl. 

I know that this birth will be a completely different experience for Mike and me.  I anticipate both of us being extremely emotional and I definitely want to be more present and aware of the whole process.  My birth with Tessa is still mostly a blur to me, partly because of the amazingly strong epidural I had and partly because of the traumatic events that followed.  I want this experience to be different.  I want to hold my baby longer . . . right away . . . I want our families and friends to hold and love our baby (something most people didn't get to experience last time).  I want our baby to sleep right next to me, instead of hooked up to machines in the nursery or NICU.  I know I can't count on all of these things happening.  I'm sure we'll be scared out of our minds and we might face some bumps in the road, but I feel like we will have our happy ending.  AND I JUST CAN'T WAIT!  Approximately six weeks left . . . counting down the days!

Challenges of this pregnancy

As you probably have heard, Mike and I are expecting a new baby in January.  We feel so incredibly blessed to be pregnant again, but in many ways, pregnancy has changed for me.

One of the things Mike's family, my family, and our close friends seem to know and understanding is that being pregnant again isn't full of joy for me and it's definitely not easy.  In fact, I still haven't really gotten excited about it yet.  Pregnancy is SCARY and we learned the hard way that there are no guarantees.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be pregnant, but there are so many other emotions that come along with it.

For the first twelve weeks of this pregnancy, I never went to the bathroom without wondering if there would be blood.  At every doctor's appointment, I held my breath until we could see the little heart beating.  I didn't read What to Expect When You're Expecting every week so I could stay up to date on what was happening in the development of my baby.  Honestly, I didn't want to get attached in case something didn't go well.  To hit 12 weeks was a big sigh of relief, but even now at 19 weeks certain things are still really difficult for me.  Add to everything else the pregnancy hormones and on certain days I could definitely be called a certifiable mess!

One of my fears is that people will shift their focus to this pregnancy and will stop talking and thinking about Tessa.  I like to know when other people are thinking about her, because I am thinking about her every day.  I get e-mails every now and then from family and friends just saying, "I was thinking of you guys and Tessa today."  It's a small gesture, but it's value to me is immeasurable.

Another challenge: As I filled out paperwork at the doctor's office before our first ultrasound, I had to answer questions like, "How many pregnancies have you had including this one?" "How many children do you have at home?"  It took all I had in me not to cry in front of the other two women there filling their paperwork out in the same room.  Then a nurse came in to talk us through some of Kaiser's prenatal classes and resources.  She asked if any of us had ever delivered at this hospital before.  I timidly raised my hand, hoping she wouldn't ask how old my child was.  She didn't, thank goodness.

Then there are the strangers who ask, "Is this your first?"  This has happened SO many times already.  How do I answer that?  I've gotten pretty good at saying something along the lines of, "No.  My husband and I had a baby girl in August, but she passed away shortly after her birth."  The response to that is usually, "I'm so sorry" and sometimes people don't know what to say, which I totally understand.  I expect to get the same question from the new parents and students in my class when they come to meet me before the first day of school.  What do I say if the student is right there?

Looking forward, the thing I'm most scared of is giving birth.  We had a beautiful birth with Tessa, but just hours later, things went downhill.  I just know I'll be terrified.  I'm not going to want to let go of this new baby for even a second, yet I also want him/her to be closely watched by the best doctors.  

This month has been particularly emotional for me.  Thinking about Tessa's first birthday (tomorrow)  makes me incredibly sad.  I can't really think about it without crying, but August 19th for everyone else is just a normal day.  I really struggled with what to do on August 19th.  I met with a social worker after one of my doctor appointments and Tessa's first birthday is one of the things we spent a lot of time talking about.  I asked her what people do on this kind of occasion.  She said she's known people who have held ceremonies, released balloons or butterflies, gone to a special place to spread ashes, etc.  For the week or so after talking to her, my mind was consumed with what Mike and I should do.  Finally I broke down in the car one day and told Mike how much "planning" August 19th was consuming me.  We talked about what we really, deep down, felt like doing on that day.  The only thing that felt right for both of us was just to be together at home, so that's what we plan to do.

I know the next 21 weeks will be hard.  The last 19 have been a small roller coaster and my emotions are so unpredictable.  I'm hoping that finding out this baby's gender on August 27th will get me more excited.  I may or may not post again tomorrow . . . depends how I'm feeling.      

10 years

April this year marked our 10 year dating anniversary.  We decided to be totally romantic and go . . . mini-golfing!  Yes, it was totally silly and it brought back so many memories of going to Malibu Grand Prix as an 8 year old, but it was really fun!  Plus we went in the first hour it was open so it was half off and not crowded at all.  Later in the day we followed up with an indulgent trip to The Melting Pot in San Mateo where we feasted on three courses of fondue.  A lovely day with a handsome boy. 

Mother's Day

I knew it was going to be hard.  When it finally came, I experienced moments of anger and sadness, I cried, I stared at Tessa's picture longer than I usually do, I imagined her in my arms.  Yet I also, once again, was shown how blessed I really am.  Blessed to have the mom that I have who is always there to support me, coworkers who had flowers (in my favorite colors!) delivered to me on Saturday, a close friend who mailed me a Happy Mother's Day card, my sister and some friends who sent amazing e-mails that lifted me right up and reminded me that no one has forgotten Tessa, a neighbor who left a rose and some cookies on the porch, my in-laws who had flowers, cards, and a beautiful bracelet for me, and a wonderful husband who gave me much-needed hugs all day long.  Even the kitties seemed to know I needed extra snuggles that day.  Thank you for acknowledging me as a mother and for reminding me how lucky I am.     

The Magic of a Haircut

I feel totally beautiful today.  Trust me, this is not something I say or feel about myself very often.  I just got home from my hair stylist with a fresh new look that I couldn't be happier with.  Yes, I even cried on the way home (but let's be real, I cry a lot these days).  Somehow Dolcie, my stylist, knows exactly what I need and she executes perfectly every time.  Today what I needed was just to feel good about myself.  I left feeling that way, $50 poorer, but totally worth it!

The last time I felt beautiful was when I was pregnant.  I loved the look of my full, round belly.  I loved the cute new maternity tops I bought and the cropped maternity jeans.  I don't know if I had the "pregnancy glow," but I sure felt like I did.  I walked around proudly, picking shirts that hugged my belly instead of trying to cover it up. 

These days, I rarely feel beautiful.  If I'm being fully honest, most days I feel like crap.  I'm not happy with how I look physically.  I find my body downright depressing.  To top it off, after giving birth I was left with a generous gut and the most horrific stretch marks on my belly (imagine a child took a fat purple marker and started drawing lines everywhere . . . yes, purple).  Really it just seems cruel to have the physical evidence of having had a baby, yet no baby.  I'm reminded of this every time I look in the mirror.

Today, though, I am going to celebrate feeling beautiful!  I know the feeling will fade away in a day or two (or even in a few hours when the cute hairstyle starts to droop and frizz . . . please Mike get home before then!), but I'm going to try to hold on to it for as long as I can.  Maybe this feeling is just a sign that I need to get a haircut more often . . .

Tomorrow the pampering continues with a pedicure in the company of one of my best friends.  Ahh, spring break, I love you.

 P.S.  This post is NOT an attempt to fish for compliments.  Other people telling me I look nice is not nearly as satisfying as feeling it myself.  :)