I've written a little bit before about talking to Elise about her big sister, Tessa, and I've always felt like I was doing a good job. Elise and I used to sing a song every night to Tessa. We would look at her picture in Elise's room (next to pictures of her cousins) and talk about it. If I asked Elise who her sister is, she would say "Tessie" but I know she didn't really understand.
For many reasons, talking about Tessa to Elise has become harder for me. First, Elise moved into a "big girl room" and the pictures of her cousins and Tessa are still in the baby room. But that's really not the main reason it's gotten harder. Now that Elise is extremely verbal and is questioning everything (yes, we are in the "why?" stage), I'm a bit fearful of talking to her about Tessa. I'm worried about the questions she might ask. I'm just not sure how to respond to any of them. I'm worried that she WILL understand what happened or that it will somehow cause her fear.
If Elise were to ask, "Where is she?" . . . I'd like to respond, "She's in heaven" . . . but it feels a little wrong to say that and not know if I fully believe it or not. I'd love to think there's a heaven out there and that's where Tessa is, but I also didn't grow up with that kind of faith.
If Elise were to ask, "Why is she in heaven?" . . . I don't even know how to start with that one. Talking death with a toddler is not my idea of fun, and I don't know how to boil down the medical reasons Tessa died into toddler language.
I can think of so many other questions that might pop up, big and small, and they all scare me to different degrees. I've never been good at "on-the-spot" thinking, so I know this is something I need to think more about and research. I know of some good resources to turn to, but I wanted to write about it because it's been on my mind a lot lately. For now, I've set a small goal for myself: to move the pictures of Tessa and the cousins into Elise's new room. Baby steps . . .
