Recently the circle of people I know who have experienced the loss of a child has grown wider. It's never easy to know what to do or say to friends or family after the death of a child, but here are some things that were helpful to me***:
***Disclaimer: I am not a grief expert, I just know what I found to be comforting and helpful from my own personal experience.
-Reach out to the family right away. Send that e-mail, write that letter, make the phone call (and leave a message if no one answers, because they probably won't). There's a huge void when your child dies and when people don't say anything, that void feels even bigger. I remember feeling so lonely in the weeks after Tessa died. I didn't hear from so many people I expected to hear from and I wondered why. Deep down I knew they didn't know what to say, but it hurt more that they said nothing.
-It's okay to not know what to say. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to talk to someone who has lost a baby, but PLEASE work up some courage, even if it's just to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm thinking of you and your family."
-For me it was helpful to hear stories of hope (ex. "I got pregnant again within a year after our loss."). Mike and I knew we wanted to be pregnant again soon, so I held on to these stories to keep myself positive about the future. I know not everyone will feel ready to even think to the future right away, so this tip totally depends on the person and how well you know him/her. Some people aren't ready to hear about your experiences with loss, but we were (if the outcome was eventually positive).
-Related to the last one, DO NOT tell your story of loss right away if it is does not have a positive outcome. I remember someone telling me of their own (several) miscarriages and losses. While I now see that this was an attempt to connect and relate, it not only scared me about the future, it also made me feel like I didn't have the right to grieve my one loss when someone had experienced "more."
-Say/write the baby's name. If you don't know the baby's name, please ask. I shouldn't even have to add this part, although it did happen: Don't comment negatively about the baby's name. Seriously, a parent made fun of Tessa's middle name (Bunny) to my face. So. Not. Cool.
***Disclaimer: I am not a grief expert, I just know what I found to be comforting and helpful from my own personal experience.
-Reach out to the family right away. Send that e-mail, write that letter, make the phone call (and leave a message if no one answers, because they probably won't). There's a huge void when your child dies and when people don't say anything, that void feels even bigger. I remember feeling so lonely in the weeks after Tessa died. I didn't hear from so many people I expected to hear from and I wondered why. Deep down I knew they didn't know what to say, but it hurt more that they said nothing.
-It's okay to not know what to say. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to talk to someone who has lost a baby, but PLEASE work up some courage, even if it's just to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm thinking of you and your family."
-For me it was helpful to hear stories of hope (ex. "I got pregnant again within a year after our loss."). Mike and I knew we wanted to be pregnant again soon, so I held on to these stories to keep myself positive about the future. I know not everyone will feel ready to even think to the future right away, so this tip totally depends on the person and how well you know him/her. Some people aren't ready to hear about your experiences with loss, but we were (if the outcome was eventually positive).
-Related to the last one, DO NOT tell your story of loss right away if it is does not have a positive outcome. I remember someone telling me of their own (several) miscarriages and losses. While I now see that this was an attempt to connect and relate, it not only scared me about the future, it also made me feel like I didn't have the right to grieve my one loss when someone had experienced "more."
-Say/write the baby's name. If you don't know the baby's name, please ask. I shouldn't even have to add this part, although it did happen: Don't comment negatively about the baby's name. Seriously, a parent made fun of Tessa's middle name (Bunny) to my face. So. Not. Cool.
-Don't tell them it's better this way. It's just not.
-Tell them when you think of the baby. There are several people in my life who still send me little e-mails or texts when they think of Tessa and it means the world to me. Yes, it's been several years now since she died. Yes, it still means so much to me. Why? Because I'm still thinking about her too. Every day. Thank you for remembering her (and for letting me know so we can remember her together).
-Make a freezer-friendly meal and bring it by. Bonus points for putting it in a disposable container so they don't have to remember to give it back to you. Meal delivery gift certificates or organizing a calendar for meal deliveries are also nice gestures.
-Put the baby's birthday and date of death on your calendar. Send a card or e-mail on those anniversaries. These days will always be hard. Yes, even years later. Same thing applies for Mother's Day and Father's Day. My first Mother's Day without Tessa was incredibly painful, but my friends and family were there with flowers, hugs, cards, and most importantly the acknowledgement that I was a mom.
-Don't ask what they need. Just think of something helpful and do it! Some people will tell you what they need, but I was never willing to ask for help, nor did I really know what help I needed. Ideas: help with gardening, dishes, laundry, funeral/cremation arrangements. A few of the most helpful things for me: My sister offered to call several places to ask about cremation costs and procedures and my mom volunteered to draft an obituary. I was in no state of mind to handle these things on my own.
Every parent's grieves differently so please don't take these tips as universal. I am so incredibly thankful for the support Mike and I received right away and still to this day.
-Make a freezer-friendly meal and bring it by. Bonus points for putting it in a disposable container so they don't have to remember to give it back to you. Meal delivery gift certificates or organizing a calendar for meal deliveries are also nice gestures.
-Put the baby's birthday and date of death on your calendar. Send a card or e-mail on those anniversaries. These days will always be hard. Yes, even years later. Same thing applies for Mother's Day and Father's Day. My first Mother's Day without Tessa was incredibly painful, but my friends and family were there with flowers, hugs, cards, and most importantly the acknowledgement that I was a mom.
-Don't ask what they need. Just think of something helpful and do it! Some people will tell you what they need, but I was never willing to ask for help, nor did I really know what help I needed. Ideas: help with gardening, dishes, laundry, funeral/cremation arrangements. A few of the most helpful things for me: My sister offered to call several places to ask about cremation costs and procedures and my mom volunteered to draft an obituary. I was in no state of mind to handle these things on my own.
Every parent's grieves differently so please don't take these tips as universal. I am so incredibly thankful for the support Mike and I received right away and still to this day.
