One of the things Mike's family, my family, and our close friends seem to know and understanding is that being pregnant again isn't full of joy for me and it's definitely not easy. In fact, I still haven't really gotten excited about it yet. Pregnancy is SCARY and we learned the hard way that there are no guarantees. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be pregnant, but there are so many other emotions that come along with it.
For the first twelve weeks of this pregnancy, I never went to the bathroom without wondering if there would be blood. At every doctor's appointment, I held my breath until we could see the little heart beating. I didn't read What to Expect When You're Expecting every week so I could stay up to date on what was happening in the development of my baby. Honestly, I didn't want to get attached in case something didn't go well. To hit 12 weeks was a big sigh of relief, but even now at 19 weeks certain things are still really difficult for me. Add to everything else the pregnancy hormones and on certain days I could definitely be called a certifiable mess!
One of my fears is that people will shift their focus to this pregnancy and will stop talking and thinking about Tessa. I like to know when other people are thinking about her, because I am thinking about her every day. I get e-mails every now and then from family and friends just saying, "I was thinking of you guys and Tessa today." It's a small gesture, but it's value to me is immeasurable.
Another challenge: As I filled out paperwork at the doctor's office before our first ultrasound, I had to answer questions like, "How many pregnancies have you had including this one?" "How many children do you have at home?" It took all I had in me not to cry in front of the other two women there filling their paperwork out in the same room. Then a nurse came in to talk us through some of Kaiser's prenatal classes and resources. She asked if any of us had ever delivered at this hospital before. I timidly raised my hand, hoping she wouldn't ask how old my child was. She didn't, thank goodness.
Then there are the strangers who ask, "Is this your first?" This has happened SO many times already. How do I answer that? I've gotten pretty good at saying something along the lines of, "No. My husband and I had a baby girl in August, but she passed away shortly after her birth." The response to that is usually, "I'm so sorry" and sometimes people don't know what to say, which I totally understand. I expect to get the same question from the new parents and students in my class when they come to meet me before the first day of school. What do I say if the student is right there?
Looking forward, the thing I'm most scared of is giving birth. We had a beautiful birth with Tessa, but just hours later, things went downhill. I just know I'll be terrified. I'm not going to want to let go of this new baby for even a second, yet I also want him/her to be closely watched by the best doctors.
This month has been particularly emotional for me. Thinking about Tessa's first birthday (tomorrow) makes me incredibly sad. I can't really think about it without crying, but August 19th for everyone else is just a normal day. I really struggled with what to do on August 19th. I met with a social worker after one of my doctor appointments and Tessa's first birthday is one of the things we spent a lot of time talking about. I asked her what people do on this kind of occasion. She said she's known people who have held ceremonies, released balloons or butterflies, gone to a special place to spread ashes, etc. For the week or so after talking to her, my mind was consumed with what Mike and I should do. Finally I broke down in the car one day and told Mike how much "planning" August 19th was consuming me. We talked about what we really, deep down, felt like doing on that day. The only thing that felt right for both of us was just to be together at home, so that's what we plan to do.
I know the next 21 weeks will be hard. The last 19 have been a small roller coaster and my emotions are so unpredictable. I'm hoping that finding out this baby's gender on August 27th will get me more excited. I may or may not post again tomorrow . . . depends how I'm feeling.
