Thank You #2

After Tessa died, we had many questions about what happens to her body.  It was not something we were prepared to deal with and I definitely was not in the right emotional state to start making arrangements.  We spoke with a social worker from Kaiser about different options (burial, cremation, memorial service, mass, etc.).  We knew there would probably be some people who expected us to have some sort of service, but it really didn't feel right to us at the time.  We ended up deciding to have Tessa cremated, but I had no idea how to go about that.

Fortunately my sister, Lexy, graciously volunteered to make all the phone calls and investigate how to get the cremation process started.  In her research, she found a man named John O'Connor, a local funeral director for 50 years.  Lexy told him about our situation and he said he would take care of the cremation free of charge.  Mike and I met with him that week and were overwhelmed by his kindness.

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Dear Mr. O'Connor,
Exactly four years ago, our sweet daughter Tessa passed away.  She had lived only three days and my husband and I were torn apart with grief.  My sister spoke with you about our wishes to cremate our daughter and you told her you would take care of it, free of charge.

I wanted to sincerely thank you for such an enormous gesture of kindness.  When my husband and I met with you to fill out paperwork, you told us, "No parent should ever have to go through losing a child."  You approached the difficult conversation about cremation with such care and sensitivity. Then, you took care of everything for us, like picking her body up from Oakland after the autopsy, taking her to be cremated, making sure we gave you a blanket for her to be wrapped in, and then bringing her remains back to us.  You made us feel comfortable with the whole process.

We are so lucky to have met you and I can't thank you enough for taking care of us and for taking such good care of Tessa.  Your generosity and kindness will never be forgotten.

Sincerely,
Georgia Walton

Thank You #1

At the writing retreat I attended in January, one of the assignments we had was to write a letter to someone.  It could be something we intended to send to the recipient or a letter that would remain totally private.  I didn't even have to think twice about who I would write to.  Since Tessa's death, I've thought a lot about the people we came in contact with over the three days of her life.  For some reason, I often find myself thinking of the man and woman who transported me via ambulance from Kaiser Redwood City to Kaiser Santa Clara so I could join Tessa (who had been transported earlier in the day) during her stay in the NICU.  I've wanted to thank them for so long (you'll see why in the letter), but I always put it off.

One day I mustered up some motivation to start investigating.  I couldn't remember the names of the ambulance folks, so I e-mailed my doctor and asked if there was any way she could find out their names by looking back at my medical records.  Now, I can't even begin to tell you how often my medical team goes above and beyond for me (like taking time out of their busy days to investigate a request like this), but I told her why I wanted to know and she got right on it!  The next day, she e-mailed me their last names and the name of the company they work for.  Incredible!  I haven't officially tracked them down (who knows, they may not still work for the ambulance company), but I fully intend to get this thank you letter to them.  

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Dear DB and JH, 

You met me once, a couple of years ago, on August 20, 2011.  I had just given birth to my first baby the day before.  You had a simple job . . . to transfer me onto a gurney at Kaiser Redwood City, load me into the back of an ambulance, drive me to Kaiser Santa Clara, and leave me with the lovely folks in the Mothers and Babies unit.  You ended up doing so much more than just your job.

You made me laugh during one of the scariest days of my life.  You told me about how you two had just become partners and how you got along so well from the start.  You teased one another, which made me relax and giggle along with you.  When we arrived at the hospital in Santa Clara, you didn't have the faintest idea where to take me.  You rolled me around the quiet hospital wings.  It was deserted (I remember it was a Sunday), and we were clearly in the wrong place.  It turned into a funny game and our laughter echoed through the empty patient waiting room areas.  We tried one hallway, only to reach a dead end and have to turn around.  You must have been rolling me around on that silly gurney for a good 15 minutes before we found the Mothers and Babies Unit.  

I can't explain why I think of the two of you so often.  I think it's because it was the only time I laughed that day and in many days and weeks to come.  I've always wanted to say thank you to you.  You gave me two amazing gifts that day: you gave me laughter and you delivered me to be with my daughter, Tessa, before she died two days later.   These two simple gifts made such a big difference to me. 

I am forever grateful.

Sincerely,

Georgia Walton

A Thankful Heart

It's so hard for me to believe that Tessa would be four years old today.  Last night Mike and I were talking about imagining her as a four year old and how hard it is to think about all the things she would be doing.  It's painful to think about those things so we don't spend too much mental energy going there.  Instead, as her birthday approaches each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about our days with her, rereading cards and e-mails from our friends and family, looking at her picture, and letting out healthy doses of tears.

No doubt, 2011 was the most challenging year of my life.  The transition from joy to heartache and grief was so dramatic and sudden that it's hard for me to wrap my head around those three short days.  There were moments where everything seemed perfect (like right after she was born), moments that seemed like the worst thing in the world (like when we were told Tessa might have to be in the NICU for a few days), and moments that absolutely were the worst in the world (like when we decided to let her go and when we had to share this heartbreaking news with our families and friends).  There will never be a day that goes by where I don't think of sweet Tessa.  She has forever changed me as a person and as a mom.

A few days ago, I saw this sign at a farm/restaurant in Baja . . .

It's a slightly modified version of the original quote, "A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues."  ~Cicero

I stayed up late the night I saw this thinking about everything I have to be thankful for, but it also helped me to remember some of the incredible people who supported us during our stay in the hospital and beyond.  I've decided that I'd like to honor the three days Tessa lived by writing thank you notes.  Just three for now, one for each day until the 22nd of August (the anniversary of Tessa's death).  I'll share two of the three with you and with the people I am writing about (something I have intended to do for so long).  The third one is for Mike, because really there is no one that I am more thankful for.  That letter will be just for him because events like this touch and change a relationship so deeply that it just feels too personal to share.

My heart is wounded and imperfect, but also so much bigger and more thankful just by having the privilege of being Tessa's mom.   Happy birthday to our beautiful and strong daughter.