Birth Announcement

From the very beginning, Mike and I both had a strong feeling we were going to have a baby girl. Our due date was August 12, but on August 18th when our little one didn't seem to want to come out, our doctor decided to induce labor. Straight from the appointment, I was checked into Labor and Delivery. Mike and I were standing outside the hallway to our room as it was being prepped for us and the framed picture outside our door confirmed what we had always believed . . . we were having a girl! The picture was of a little bunny. We looked at one another and smiled, our excitement and nerves overflowing. We had talked about names for boys and girls, but we knew if we had a girl we wanted her middle name to be Bunny (after Mike's grandmother Bernice, who was always called Bunny). The picture on the wall was a little sign. :)

I'd like to introduce you to Tessa Bunny Walton
Born Friday, August 19, 2011 at 9:13 AM
6 pounds, 7 ounces
19.5 inches long
Perfect . . .
Getting a bath
Snuggling with mom in the nursery
Safely cradled in dad's hands

Flexing her muscles, to show us she was being strong

Our family of three

An Identity Crisis

I struggle a bit with my identity as a mom. I absolutely consider myself a mom, yet . . . do I wake up at night to a crying baby longing to be comforted and fed? No. Do I change dirty diapers and warm up bottles? No. Do I get to stare at my beautiful baby every day feeling like she's growing up too fast? No. Do I get to post monthly picture updates and descriptions of the new milestones she's reaching? No. How do I answer when people ask, "Do you have any children?" If I say, "Yes, " I am stuck with the inevitable, awkward conversation that follows. If I say, "No," am I denying her existence? For these reasons I find myself in a bit of an identity crisis.

I found myself wanting to write about Tessa the other day. I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I want to do that?" Do I want sympathy? Am I writing as a way to remember her? Is it a method of grieving? Will sharing the things I've been going through be cathartic? I couldn't quite figure it out. I even asked Mike what he thought of me writing about this whole experience and writing about Tessa on this blog. He said he didn't mind, but he also asked why I felt the need to share these things publicly. I didn't really have an answer. I've been mulling over those questions for the last week or so. Not until tonight did I realize one of the reasons I feel like writing about her and writing about our experiences in this kind of a forum. I desperately want to feel like a mom. I can stay out as late as I want, I can drink wine, I can go shopping when I feel like going shopping, and I can sleep when I feel like sleeping . . . to some of you that may sound like heaven. Yes, it is pretty awesome, but I'd gladly trade it all (and more) to wake up at 1 AM and 3 AM and 5AM, to clean up after the diaper blow out, and to do all of the wonderful things that most parents get to do.

So maybe this is my way of proving it, my way of feeling like I have some connection to the rest of you who call yourselves moms and get to post updates and pictures. And because pretty much every mom I know sends out a birth announcement introducing their bundle of joy, that will be my next post . . . an introduction to the most amazing little human I have ever met, Tessa, my daughter.