While Tessa was in the NICU I kept up with pumping every couple hours because we thought we would eventually be taking her home. After her death, I had to continue pumping, slowly decreasing over a week or so as to not become engorged. The hospital was nice enough to let us borrow a hospital grade pump (a service they provide to all moms with babies in the NICU). I do feel grateful it only took a little over a week for my milk supply to pretty much dry up, but at the time it was just one more painful reminder that I didn't have my baby. Nearly ever time I pumped, I would find myself in tears thinking that this is just not how it's supposed to be. I'd fill up bottles, but have nothing to do with them. In fact, they are still in the freezer. I suppose I should get rid of them, but that feels strange for some reason.
Overall, it took my body about five weeks to recover from the birth, yet I still am carrying some of the extra weight. Shedding those extra pounds has just been another hurdle that's been difficult to overcome. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that everything takes time . . . the physical healing is done (with the exception of losing some more weight) and the emotional healing will take longer (probably forever). Only choice is to keep going . . .
