A Thankful Heart

It's so hard for me to believe that Tessa would be four years old today.  Last night Mike and I were talking about imagining her as a four year old and how hard it is to think about all the things she would be doing.  It's painful to think about those things so we don't spend too much mental energy going there.  Instead, as her birthday approaches each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about our days with her, rereading cards and e-mails from our friends and family, looking at her picture, and letting out healthy doses of tears.

No doubt, 2011 was the most challenging year of my life.  The transition from joy to heartache and grief was so dramatic and sudden that it's hard for me to wrap my head around those three short days.  There were moments where everything seemed perfect (like right after she was born), moments that seemed like the worst thing in the world (like when we were told Tessa might have to be in the NICU for a few days), and moments that absolutely were the worst in the world (like when we decided to let her go and when we had to share this heartbreaking news with our families and friends).  There will never be a day that goes by where I don't think of sweet Tessa.  She has forever changed me as a person and as a mom.

A few days ago, I saw this sign at a farm/restaurant in Baja . . .

It's a slightly modified version of the original quote, "A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues."  ~Cicero

I stayed up late the night I saw this thinking about everything I have to be thankful for, but it also helped me to remember some of the incredible people who supported us during our stay in the hospital and beyond.  I've decided that I'd like to honor the three days Tessa lived by writing thank you notes.  Just three for now, one for each day until the 22nd of August (the anniversary of Tessa's death).  I'll share two of the three with you and with the people I am writing about (something I have intended to do for so long).  The third one is for Mike, because really there is no one that I am more thankful for.  That letter will be just for him because events like this touch and change a relationship so deeply that it just feels too personal to share.

My heart is wounded and imperfect, but also so much bigger and more thankful just by having the privilege of being Tessa's mom.   Happy birthday to our beautiful and strong daughter.