The Magic of a Haircut

I feel totally beautiful today.  Trust me, this is not something I say or feel about myself very often.  I just got home from my hair stylist with a fresh new look that I couldn't be happier with.  Yes, I even cried on the way home (but let's be real, I cry a lot these days).  Somehow Dolcie, my stylist, knows exactly what I need and she executes perfectly every time.  Today what I needed was just to feel good about myself.  I left feeling that way, $50 poorer, but totally worth it!

The last time I felt beautiful was when I was pregnant.  I loved the look of my full, round belly.  I loved the cute new maternity tops I bought and the cropped maternity jeans.  I don't know if I had the "pregnancy glow," but I sure felt like I did.  I walked around proudly, picking shirts that hugged my belly instead of trying to cover it up. 

These days, I rarely feel beautiful.  If I'm being fully honest, most days I feel like crap.  I'm not happy with how I look physically.  I find my body downright depressing.  To top it off, after giving birth I was left with a generous gut and the most horrific stretch marks on my belly (imagine a child took a fat purple marker and started drawing lines everywhere . . . yes, purple).  Really it just seems cruel to have the physical evidence of having had a baby, yet no baby.  I'm reminded of this every time I look in the mirror.

Today, though, I am going to celebrate feeling beautiful!  I know the feeling will fade away in a day or two (or even in a few hours when the cute hairstyle starts to droop and frizz . . . please Mike get home before then!), but I'm going to try to hold on to it for as long as I can.  Maybe this feeling is just a sign that I need to get a haircut more often . . .

Tomorrow the pampering continues with a pedicure in the company of one of my best friends.  Ahh, spring break, I love you.

 P.S.  This post is NOT an attempt to fish for compliments.  Other people telling me I look nice is not nearly as satisfying as feeling it myself.  :)

Two Types of Recovery

After Tessa's loss, I found myself dealing with two totally different types of healing: emotional and physical. I often thought, "Isn't it enough to have to deal with the death of your baby?" Recovering from delivery was painful, but then having to deal with things like pumping made it just that much harder.

While Tessa was in the NICU I kept up with pumping every couple hours because we thought we would eventually be taking her home. After her death, I had to continue pumping, slowly decreasing over a week or so as to not become engorged. The hospital was nice enough to let us borrow a hospital grade pump (a service they provide to all moms with babies in the NICU). I do feel grateful it only took a little over a week for my milk supply to pretty much dry up, but at the time it was just one more painful reminder that I didn't have my baby. Nearly ever time I pumped, I would find myself in tears thinking that this is just not how it's supposed to be. I'd fill up bottles, but have nothing to do with them. In fact, they are still in the freezer. I suppose I should get rid of them, but that feels strange for some reason.

Overall, it took my body about five weeks to recover from the birth, yet I still am carrying some of the extra weight. Shedding those extra pounds has just been another hurdle that's been difficult to overcome. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that everything takes time . . . the physical healing is done (with the exception of losing some more weight) and the emotional healing will take longer (probably forever). Only choice is to keep going . . .